Where to Start…

Hello. You can call me Kati. Of course that’s not my real name. Though nothing else I say here will be a lie. This will be the ramblings of the darker side of me. No im not a teenager… anymore. Im 26. I figure I need to just get the crazy out. My therapist would probably approve. That’s all you need to know about me. I am writing this for me and if you happen to enjoy it that’s awesome. =)

Now where to start… Idk. Possibly where the last chapter of my life ended.

but I need breakfast so Ill work on that later or tomorrow.

Spoilers: There will be: cheating, heads meeting cars, hospitals, and psych wards. Fun!

Next page…

What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me?

A break from the story and back to present day…

I love so incredibly much. Certain people become my world. Then I hate them more than anything. What the fuck? Even when im trying so hard to be a better person I just change at the flip of a switch. Now I want to hurt myself and just shut myself out from everything. I don’t want to hurt people anymore.

ER Part 2 – The funny guy and the social worker

Just joining the story? Please start at the beginning.

October, 19th-20th 2014

I suppose its worth mentioning as a pick me up in this whole story. There were three of us on suicide watch apparently. One of them was in the bed next to mine the whole time I was in the ER. He was very talkative. He said some rude and funny things to the nurses. I wish I had exact quotes for you all but I was more focused on my own situation. Though he brought me out of my own head and I shared a good laugh with the second nurse that watched me. It made things less stressful at times. I remember at some point (it must have been late at night) he told one of the nurses that if she was tired there was room in his bed. Just from over hearing nurses and him because he was so talkative I learned he was homeless. It was believed that he just wanted a place to stay because when we all talked to the social worker he was let go instead of being moved on to a psychiatric hospital.

The two of us that were left were sent to different hospitals. It was a long wait to talk to the social worker. I remember eating breakfast but then they had to move our beds into the hall for some reason (making room for the truly sick I suppose). At that point I had them contact my mom so that she would know what was going on and where I was. The social worker called me in to talk. I cant remember exactly what I had said. I know I discussed the reason I was in the hospital but I probably also mentioned my alcoholic dad that I don’t live with but had worked with for a bit. And how I have never met my birth mother. My parents were way too young and drug & alcohol addicts. The typical broken family. Raised by my grandmother but she will always be refereed to as mom. My birth parents were simply a sperm donor and oven. Anyway as our little talk wrapped up she told me that I would probably benefit from hospitalization. This is not what I wanted to here. I expressed my concerns with that and she re assured me that it would be short term. It was decided that I would be sent to a short stay hospital and they would only keep me for as long as a week. I didn’t want to be there for a week but unfortunately I was.

I told my mom that I was scared and asked if she could do anything to get me out of there. She told me I should go and that it would be good for me. They acted like I had a choice. It was called voluntary but it was not. They said that if I did not agree to be admitted that I could be (read probably would have been) forced to go. I think this is kind of messed up but its the way it is. So my mom gives me a snack. I think I shared with the guy that went to the other hospital too. Me & my mom talk while im waiting for the ambulance. Its about 5pm – 6pm now. Apparently I have other family members that have been admitted to mental hospitals. That is news to me. The ambulance arrives and they give me time to get dressed.

Next Page… (coming soon!)

The ER

Just joining the story? Please start at the beginning.

 October, 19th-20th 2014

When we arrived at the hospital I checked myself in. They told me to wait in a wheel chair away from other people. Everything was so foggy. I was so dazed. Finally they call my name and I go back to the little examination room where you tell them whats wrong with you in the ER and take your vitals (a word I was about to be very familiar with). I don’t remember what she looks like or her name. I really barely remember any of the hospital people. She asks me why im there. I look at her like shes crazy because she can clearly see the blood running down my face. I reply that I hit my head. She then asks me if I want to kill myself. I hesitantly tell the truth because I know what may happen if I do (I have seen enough movies that go this way to know). She lets me go back to the waiting room and I wait some more.

Finally someone calls my name and I’m led to the patient area where all the beds are. I can’t remember if I was wheeled back in that wheel chair or if I walked but I suppose that does not matter. I’m led to a bed in the corner. I immediately look around wondering what I  can do with the equipment in the room. I wonder if I could at least hurt myself with any of it. Then a nurse comes in a sits down. Shes watching me and making notes. This is suicide watch and only the beginning of days of people watching me. I’m really hungry because I had not eaten dinner yet. A doctor comes in to look at my head. He cleans it up a little and says it wont need stitches. They give me a shot (for tetanus?). I ask for food since its about 6pm – 7pm and I had not eaten yet but for whatever reason they will not feed me (because of the shot?).

The first lady to watch me seemed bored and did not interact with me at all. She just stared at the clock and made notes every so many minutes. I don’t know what the notes were for or what they said. I imagine it may have been something like “not sleeping” or “not attempting to kill herself”. I don’t know. Anyway hours pass and I get so hungry I start to get sick because im stressed and have not eaten. Anything that was in my stomach came up. I can’t remember if this was before or after my mom stopped by. She said something like “This is good. We are going to figure out your problems and fix them.”. I don’t think they would let her get me food. She left her number with the nurse since my memory sucks (though surprising about how much I am remembering of this). This next lady that came in to baby sit me was much more friendly. She made me feel more at ease. I did not talk to her about all of my issues. We talked about other stuff. I don’t remember what but it was common and comfortable. Made me feel a little normal again. I could not sleep until they moved us to different beds further back. This was probably 2am or 3am since it was very quiet and more relaxed.

Before I get into the move I realized I forgot to mention this crazy character that was in the bed next to mine. I think that is where I will start the next err… chapter?

Time to try and get some more sleep before work =)

Next page

It’s time to start….

Just joining the story? Please start at the beginning.

Ok so I had yummy foods…

Now to go back to the uglyness. I’m not proud of this. I’m not proud of any time in my life where I have acted irrational.

WARNING: Possible self injury trigger 

October, 19th 2014

So it all started when I had been dating this guy for almost 6 years. (Ya it starts with a guy lol eye roll). Anyway he was ok. It was a comfortable relationship but I was missing something. So I went off to find it other places. He found this out one day. I did not delete the texts. I tried to play it off like it was nothing but in the back of my mind I knew the break up was coming. And I still reacted this way…

He tells me that we will stop by my moms house to fix my playstation since it had been acting up and then go get something from the store for dinner. Stupid me wanted to believe that he would never leave me. Well he did. He deleted his account from my PS3 and told me he was leaving me. Now what happened next is a bit of a blur but it went something like this…

I remember telling him im sorry and I just want to go home. I said that a lot. I wanted to go home. I ran out to his car and stayed there as if he would change his mind if I didn’t move. I started to get angrier at him and myself. When I started to realize it was all my fault and started to hate myself more than anything that is when I smashed my head into the car. It didn’t hurt as bad as you would think… at first. I didn’t even think it was that bad until I felt the blood running down my head. I looked at my reflection in the car window. A sad pathetic thing staring back at me. Thats not me. I screamed some more at him and even tried to hurt him. He was terrified of me. I was horrified at his reaction. I didn’t understand how someone who had loved me for so long could be so scared of me. Though then again how could someone that has loved someone for so long cheat. I don’t know if I have figured that out yet.

So he of course calls the police. He was the only one that has ever done that through all of my horrible crazy outbursts and for that I am grateful (Ill get to why eventually). I was scared. I didnt want to be locked in the crazy house forever. I knew what was coming even though I had never experienced it before. The cop tells me that im not in trouble but that I need to come with him. The back seat of a cop car is hard and so unfriendly. Though criminals deserve that I was no criminal. It just made my anxiety and depression worse. The cop calls his girlfriend, wife, whatever on the phone as we ride. He talks about bringing home Chinese food. Im thinking that’s all I wanted was to go home, order chineese food, and watch a movie. Home was no home of mine anymore.

Next time I will go into the fun at the ER….

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